It is IMPOSSIBLE for someone to feel genuine love, adoration, affection, and deep bond with another person… then IMMEDIATELY feel those same exact things for someone else. The “love” a narc has for someone is totally and completely superficial. They just want the coffee… and if they find someplace more convenient and with less hassle, that’s where they’ll get their coffee from. That’s all there is to it.
In simplest terms… all that’s happened is they’ve cycled back to the idealization stage with the new victim. They’re doing what they ALWAYS do… cycle.
The narcissist IS happy when they are in the idealization stage of the relationship. Not because this next person is better than you are… it’s not even about the new victim at all. It’s because the narc is over-the-moon excited about all the supply they hope to suck out from their new victim… They don’t “love” the new person more or less than they did you… because they are unable to love like we do. Their “love” is strictly based on how much and how easily they are able to extract supply.
So here’s an example of “Narc Speak” about the new relationship that you might witness after your discard:
- How did I get so lucky to get someone like him/her?
- Translation: My victim remains obedient through abuse with little questioning or resistance!
- I’ve never been this happy before!
- Translation: I have no emotional memory so my feelings are shallow. My ego needs constant proof and validation that I am “somebody” moment to moment… and at THIS very moment, I’m sucking up loads of supply so I feel happier than I did when the highs from the supply were running low just moments ago!
- I’ve never been so in love before!
- Translation: My definition of “love” is finding someone who will do as I say, stay quiet when I try to pull one over them, treat me like I’m a gift to the universe, and make me look good in front of others! And because I lack emotional memory, I’m unable to recall the things I “loved” about my previous victims!
(Honestly, it’s all shallow and insincere mumbo-jumbo that means absolutely nothing regardless of how it “appears.” This is why going NO CONTACT is required to begin your real and complete healing from this mess!)
Narcs NEED the attention and energy to TEMPORARILY give them relief from the emptiness inside them. Remember, narcs have no functioning personality… that means they lack their own identity or the ability to establish and maintain their self-worth and esteem… requiring them to CONSTANTLY find something to validate their existence.
So… WHO the new person is doesn’t matter nearly as much as what they can get from this person. They will do and say whatever it takes to extract approval, adulation, appreciation, admiration, and status… from both the new source and the people around them. Gifts, trips, events, and everything else the narc showers the new victim with is STRICTLY to extract feedback to validate their own self-esteem and worth.
The emptier the narc feels, the bigger the parade.
So if they’re waving the new victim all over the place, it’s not only to extract supply from the victim and those around them… but also to get a rise out of YOU. Because your good/bad reaction validates their value. Also, keep in mind that the narc could very well be in “damage control” mode… trying to appear like s/he is able to establish and maintain a good relationship with the “right person” to make YOU look like you’re the bad guy. It won’t last though… and the first one to feel the sting will always be the narc’s current victim.
Remember, you were once the focus of narcissistic idealization too… that’s what you’re witnessing and “missing” when you see it. Not the REALITY of the cycle of abuse. And this is why NO CONTACT (or gray rock) is required to heal. The new victim is currently where YOU started out in the relationship, and unless s/he 1) spots the toxicity and escape or 2) the narc drops dead… the new victim will eventually end up where you are RIGHT NOW.
xoxo
Q. Ex-Narc Was Active in Their Church and Charitable Causes. So S/He Must Be Able to Care About Other People?